“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
pep talk
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.