As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
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This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.