In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person