When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Guantanamo Bae
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?