Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I think I’ll stand
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again