This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Education is vital
Can. I. Help. You.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
oh u like geography? name every lake
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.