There is no “ea” in Tim.
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NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Teach your children to beatbox
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Facebook memories be like
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*