All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
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If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Catercrombie & Fish
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My birth announcement for our third baby
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion