I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it