Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
You Might Also Like
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.