ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
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Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I feel it
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day