That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
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Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
The Punning Dead.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.