nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.