If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
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Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.