jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
You Might Also Like
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.