[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*