6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple