ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Encore…
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.