Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
You Might Also Like
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.