if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
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When I snag the last meatball.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.