Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous