inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids