interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
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If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”