Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Same pineapple, same
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you