All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Poetry is my passion
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
What?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.