I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
You Might Also Like
“We will wed,” I threatened
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.