looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I hate my earbuds.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.