I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
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Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.