Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.