Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound