Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.