Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
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I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
still the best tweet of the year by far
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.