A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
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7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”