when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Lmao the reply
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.