I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
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I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out