‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Current mood: Potato
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER