tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.