If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated