Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
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That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
seems fine
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
👾👾👾
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water