*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Bobby pin
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.