Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.