Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.