HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one