baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?