If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.