The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
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Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.