Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
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SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.