I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
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I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together