LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
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7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My last name is Zilla.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The government even made aliens boring