You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.